tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62464353567361235372024-03-13T23:21:14.214-07:00The Secret Diary of Jonathan SchwartzDude, I was the first CEO to even <i>have</i> a blog.Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.comBlogger71125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-53411562084259710552010-04-09T13:56:00.001-07:002010-04-09T13:56:51.707-07:00Goodbye, Sun<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_q597DMJE41c/S1h8G3N9kFI/AAAAAAAAAII/jcIc-eQZ_QI/s400/SunRIP.jpeg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 313px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_q597DMJE41c/S1h8G3N9kFI/AAAAAAAAAII/jcIc-eQZ_QI/s400/SunRIP.jpeg" border="0" alt="" /></a>Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-49363329615723001722008-12-10T11:29:00.000-08:002008-12-11T07:33:04.409-08:00Damaging my calm<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhBpHwFEa2Y-no1HiOQOHN5k7HXuAVkaYlji6g429ogf_-gK2JlTTXeJuoxvWYsYzxqrlpo_CCcNqjuAYG7fedv_RCCvJ3S7lAXK5B4KCY8ZwDXaA9-QzeRO-gdXXrOwnzh4AbHrlqwDw/s1600-h/pissed_off_baby.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 148px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhBpHwFEa2Y-no1HiOQOHN5k7HXuAVkaYlji6g429ogf_-gK2JlTTXeJuoxvWYsYzxqrlpo_CCcNqjuAYG7fedv_RCCvJ3S7lAXK5B4KCY8ZwDXaA9-QzeRO-gdXXrOwnzh4AbHrlqwDw/s200/pissed_off_baby.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5278256521604502802" /></a>My life is like a trippy David Lynch movie these days. Rehearsals for my upcoming stint at the Bay Area Gated Community Poetry Group keep getting interrupted by all these RIFs I have to deal with. Did you ever even try <span style="font-style:italic;">reading</span> a list of 7000 names, let alone rationalizing one? It friggin blows.<br /><br />Yeah, sure. I shouldn't bitch because I get to keep my job. And I'll be the first to admit that things haven't gone so well under my reign. Now these new Board guys have been crawling up my ass like you wouldn't believe. <br /><br />Here's the thrashing I had to sit through the other day from these frigtards. Pissed me off no end because it made me late for my Pilates class.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"Jonathan, shut up for once in your life and let's do the numbers:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Shareholder value? </span>Billions gone. Poof! Scooter has lost so much that he's taken up Copenhagen chewing tobacco. You thought he was a prick <span style="font-style:italic;">before</span> this shit? Now he spits chaw all over the ice at his hockey games and gets in a weekly fist fight with one of the opposing chiptards. He's the only guy we've ever seen walking around the EBC with a chew cup. And he has this annoying habit of spitting right after he says the word "Jonathan."<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Job creation. </span>We don't buy this shit that this negative index number is simply reflective of the economy. Ten thousand families are on the street due to your complete failure, Jonathan. You think they give a rat's ass about your freetard rationalizations?<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br /><br />Financial performance. </span>Don't tell us that Wall Street just doesn't get it right now. Did you ever even hear of Goodwill Impairment before we came along. I didn't think so.</span><br /><br />Now, some of you look at this and are calling for me to step down. Not so fast. I've got the following speech memorized from my buddy, Illinois Governor Blagojevich:<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;"> "I’ve got this thing, and it’s fucking <span style="font-weight:bold;">golden</span>. And I’m just not giving it up for fucking nothing. I’m not going to do it. And I can always use it. I can parachute me there."</span>Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-26826089849660185072008-11-11T16:38:00.000-08:002008-11-11T16:56:57.363-08:00Crush, Kill, Destroy!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.skylighters.org/amanoutoftime/greatmomentsintv2.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 476px; height: 549px;" src="http://www.skylighters.org/amanoutoftime/greatmomentsintv2.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>This week we launched our full frontal attack on that cowboy David Hitz and his litigious frigtard company with <a href="http://www.sun.com/launch/2008-1110/index.jsp?cid=926857">Amber Road</a>. <br /><br />The marketing folks came to me with all kinds of proposed value propositions for Amber Road. But being the big thinker I am, I rejected all of them and scrawled this down on a Peet's napkin:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Got NetApp? Sun storage appliances make their shit obsolete.<br /><span style="font-style:italic;"></span></span><br />We have the advantage here. It's not time to be nice.<br /><br />Heads up, Hombre Hitz, there's a stampede a 'comin! You been milking your customers like cattle for far too long and now they's a gonna trample your sorry ass on the way to Sunnyville.Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-82575876530537286662008-11-02T06:50:00.000-08:002008-11-02T09:12:24.901-08:00My Staff is No Longer "Preclear"<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.tranzformer.de/blog/img/cruise-scientology-madrid.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 303px; height: 420px;" src="http://www.tranzformer.de/blog/img/cruise-scientology-madrid.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>Someone sent me this <a href="http://mikedaisey.com/audio/kuowGMOG.mp3">MP3 recording</a> of Mike Daisy telling the supposed truth about L. Ron Hubbard and Scientology. I have to tell you this is all bunk!<br /><br />My recent disclosure about my being a Scientologist has rippled throughout the company and beyond. After the word was out, many of my staff came seeking counsel. How can we learn more, Jonathan?<br /><br />So I brought in an <a href="http://faq.scientology.org/page02b.htm">audit team</a> to my fortified wing in Santa Clara. I knew there would be some heavy personal disclosures coming out of this, so security was tight with Blackwater guards, mandatory strip searches, and doors enhanced with soundproof materials. <br /><br />My audit team took great notes, and man, you would not believe the Mommie Dearest type trauma shit someone like Anil has crawling around in his darkest Id places. Absolutely mortifying.<br /><br />But now, the team is unified in a common path of personal discovery, FreeTard Economics, and corporate retransformation. <br /><br />Look out Wall Street! We are one with the path as laid out before us by Scientology bigwig Emperor Klaaktu. It worked wonders for him on Rigel VII after the Economic Collapse of the Third Age and the subsequent purging of War-Mongering Republitoids to the Red Planet of Schtuuupthidium.<br /><br />We will not let the petty Earthbound laws of economics stand in our way any longer!Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-60851191550489668302008-11-01T21:00:00.000-07:002008-11-01T21:06:21.656-07:00Video: Ponytail Goes Open Source<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/5r3JSciJf5M&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/5r3JSciJf5M&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />In this video, Steve Gillmor interviews another fake Jonathan Schwartz. Favorite quote: "I don't see <span style="font-style:italic;">Ballmer</span> open sourcing a ponytail."<br /><br />This is understandable, as Ballmer is too busy Open Clouding at the moment.Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-56034805139787028042008-10-06T16:43:00.001-07:002008-10-06T16:57:54.264-07:00Transparency is for people who aren't full of shit<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.vrvis.at/vr/voxelstube/images/transparency_interaction.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.vrvis.at/vr/voxelstube/images/transparency_interaction.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>My <a href="http://blogs.sun.com/jonathan">corporate blog</a> is all about transparency. I say what I think. People comment and it gets posted. <br /><br />Sometimes what they say is not very nice. It gets posted anyway. That is my promise to you.<br /><br />Given this public, Polly Pureheart stance, wouldn't I be a real hypocrite if I decided that I wasn't going to post comments from people I just don't like? And to go further, wouldn't this heavy-handed, backwoods form of censorship just fall apart if said unliked person just signed their comment with a different friggin <span style="font-style:italic;">name</span>?<br /><br />Gosh, I wish I would have considered <span style="font-style:italic;">that</span>. Guess I'm not as smart as people think I am. Then again, maybe I'm just full of shit and I'm getting called on it.Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-11127617492151099282008-10-05T18:26:00.000-07:002008-10-05T19:20:44.840-07:00Spinal Net Tap<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://growabrain.typepad.com/growabrain/images/deliverance.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://growabrain.typepad.com/growabrain/images/deliverance.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>It has been while since I blogged about our countersuit against Net App and that cowboy David Hitz. And it seems only fitting that my attack dog is Michael Dillon, Great Great Grandson of Matt Dillon himself.<br /><br />I'll spare you the legal mumbo-jumbo, but, in a <a href="http://blogs.sun.com/dillon/entry/more_on_the_netapp_litigation">preliminary ruling</a> this week, NetApp pretty much got bitch-slapped. In Dillon's words, this ruling "further strengthen our position that the processors, network interface and systems management software used across NetApp's product line infringe Sun's patents."<br /><br />I'm not going to be nice here. After all, these frigtards started this fight. We are going to win and we are going to get back royalties on every friggin penny they ever made.<br /><br />Hey, Hitz--it's time you saddle up for the Participation Age! Bend over and get ready for a round robin, you brokeback, meathead motherfucker!Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-56705719333869153072008-09-28T14:13:00.000-07:002008-09-28T14:37:41.807-07:00JAVA Bank: You've Got a Friend in the Business<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzCGJVEQsSHPjtEXjho3iTL-c9SPVNQL0OiFYkFhcuc_SkquLmqnmIyXRNPQHojmulihuZq65mKkoeg_8WQCmXTZhJ-gWY5lZusbuO129i_tquxOCkGbqaRBu3Or7A6FN8EsBIDT3gjCA/s1600-h/loanshark.gif"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzCGJVEQsSHPjtEXjho3iTL-c9SPVNQL0OiFYkFhcuc_SkquLmqnmIyXRNPQHojmulihuZq65mKkoeg_8WQCmXTZhJ-gWY5lZusbuO129i_tquxOCkGbqaRBu3Or7A6FN8EsBIDT3gjCA/s320/loanshark.gif" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5251186325576366818" /></a>You read the papers--things are really friggin tight in this economy. Want a business loan? Fat chance. There's no loan to be had at <span style="font-style:italic;">any</span> interest rate. And, as I've learned the hard way, RIFFing people actually <span style="font-style:italic;">costs</span> you money while crippling your ability to do business. Who knew?<br /><br />That's why today I'm announcing the JAVA Bank. Despite my best efforts, we've had $6 Billion laying around here since I took over. And no matter what I do, I just can't seem to turn it into enough profit that would interest you enough to speculate on our dogshit stock.<br /><br />Yes, we are loaning money, and at rates that will curl your hair. Need a loan to carry you through payroll and pay off suppliers until gravy accounts cough up? We're the guys for you.<br /><br />And there will be no foreclosures. You will pay or we will kill you.<br /><br />Nice, huh? Don't know why I didn't come up with this earlier. Come to think of it, maybe I should also charge your relatives a dollar per hour just to keep your miserable ass alive.Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-21251393829636128182008-09-18T11:07:00.000-07:002008-09-18T11:55:59.471-07:00Kramer: My guys are flowing, Jerry!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicOdlMl4ZzSLAoCaDhX5ZOIIpztRQGHSxewh_X-tUT2-3AdLU3zTx6QG-7_-ugzGmzViNttDq-teFJ6LzeEjA9EZE5WowNfa1w4TezP69apoKhoRtU67hGqHKIfAaJVOglu2AkPkGLb6E/s1600-h/michael_richards.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicOdlMl4ZzSLAoCaDhX5ZOIIpztRQGHSxewh_X-tUT2-3AdLU3zTx6QG-7_-ugzGmzViNttDq-teFJ6LzeEjA9EZE5WowNfa1w4TezP69apoKhoRtU67hGqHKIfAaJVOglu2AkPkGLb6E/s320/michael_richards.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247425771221010322" /></a>As I sit and watch the Jerry Seinfeld & Bill Gates <span style="font-style:italic;">ads about nothing</span>, I stir in my seat and marvel at their effectiveness. I mean, it was so obvious--the best way to dispel the incredible perception of mediocrity that is Vista is to <span style="font-style:italic;">not talk about Vista at all</span>.<br /><br />Which brings me to today's topic. We are busy negotiating with Michael (Cosmo Kramer) Richards to do a Sun-is-not-that-bad campaign.<br /><br />Why Kramer? George's proposal left us a little flat and that bitch Elaine wouldn't even return my calls. Like her career is doing <span style="font-style:italic;">so</span> good? Yeah right.<br /><br />You can look forward to these ads soon in this space. Well, at least the puppet storyboards anyway.Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-24223144644855821792008-09-14T07:36:00.000-07:002008-09-28T14:10:15.119-07:00Freedonia Meets Scientology<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9B_Rqa2NGx9bhVco1cZHj_irbXcNk2XHgk9EMDLfBsgJOzl5-1wUVxrV5tbFkOl5IubK02YQxKYkqDTrRcew7HYPdvRVAuu_DtB3zh48Z_nc6NySwn8_8srkfWgZl3ooRmOCaq-_JVyk/s1600-h/517px-Stresstest.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9B_Rqa2NGx9bhVco1cZHj_irbXcNk2XHgk9EMDLfBsgJOzl5-1wUVxrV5tbFkOl5IubK02YQxKYkqDTrRcew7HYPdvRVAuu_DtB3zh48Z_nc6NySwn8_8srkfWgZl3ooRmOCaq-_JVyk/s320/517px-Stresstest.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5245895090689626722" /></a>My recent foray into <a href="http://twitter.com/fakejonathan">live Twitter posting</a> has been a revelation--Just like my company preaches, here on the Net I can be truly Free, Open, and engaged in the Participation Age without censorship. <br /><br />Information wants to be free. So does my <span style="font-style:italic;">Real Story</span>.<br /><br />In that spirit, I feel liberated enough to tell you, my dear readers, what has perhaps been the biggest secret in the history of the Fortune 500...<br /><br />I am a Scientologist.<br /><br />Now, this might sound a bit crazy, but hang on a sec and let me explain myself. It all started back in school at Wesleyan University. My girlfriend at the time was really into the shit, and well, she was smoking <span style="font-style:italic;">hot</span> so I kept an open mind, if you know what I mean.<br /><br />Oddly enough, she liked me to read the L. Ron Hubbard stuff to her in bed. In fact, it made her <span style="font-style:italic;">really</span> horny. (By the way, this will work on normal women if you read <span style="font-style:italic;">Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil</span> to them.)<br /><br />So I went along, and after a time, it all started to make sense to me. And after we went our separate ways, I dabbled with some <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auditing_(Scientology)">Auditing</a> and wound up as a regular church-goer.<br /><br />And there you go. The Truth is out now and I promise to tell you more about my beliefs in future posts. It is the will of Scientology bigwig Emperor Klaaktu of Rigel VII.<br /><br />So the next time you hear me talk about contrarian theories of Techno-Freebased Economics, perhaps you'll understand where I'm coming from just a little bit better.Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-57176913226390391782008-09-06T09:03:00.000-07:002008-09-06T16:14:04.419-07:00Down but not out<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIowIVw1OahNrGKuWDG1cxDRXtZqdunWn2Zjbyc_1G_MUDN6nb0g2ODc_zhE3sD6Hz6NyKsXxtX_3qDdRzK4KqWgRRECttBmmhMfJRloUNUPEdcb6RDgh7rgg4QNvVnWGZ6GbdSbHO46Y/s1600-h/ispi055011.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIowIVw1OahNrGKuWDG1cxDRXtZqdunWn2Zjbyc_1G_MUDN6nb0g2ODc_zhE3sD6Hz6NyKsXxtX_3qDdRzK4KqWgRRECttBmmhMfJRloUNUPEdcb6RDgh7rgg4QNvVnWGZ6GbdSbHO46Y/s320/ispi055011.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5242942975650844978" /></a><br />So, the <a href="http://blogs.sun.com/jonathan/">Corporate Blog</a> (COB) has been pretty sparse lately, to the point where some of you are speculating about my remaining tenure at Sun. <br /><br />Well, I am happy to report that my lack of postings has nothing to do with my being in deep doo-doo with the board or anything. Actually, it has to do with my health.<br /><br />You know that unnamed health condition that Steve Jobs has that made him look like Leonard Nimoy on stage? Yeah, I have the same shit. <br /><br />But at least my hair isn't falling out.<br /><br />And I'm not looking for your sympathy. My shaman healer says the negative energies will all clear up as soon as we get a Democrat in the White House. <br /><br />I know it's a horse race at this point, but please think about me when you go to the voting booth, ok?Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-73402890699373368922008-08-05T13:06:00.000-07:002008-08-07T14:41:04.149-07:00Ode to Fake Steven Pauly Jobs<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://louisville.edu/provost/wroffice/quill.gif"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://louisville.edu/provost/wroffice/quill.gif" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />I really miss the Secret Diary of Steve Jobs. Real Dan's new stuff just doesn't have that Mount Olympus venom that I used to look forward to every day.<br /><br />So with that, I borrowed one of my favorite tomes from Mark Twain and read it to my Bay Area Gated Community poetry group. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Ode to Fake Steven Pauly Jobs</span><br /> <br /><span style="font-style:italic;">And did Fake Steven sicken,<br />And did Fake Steven die?<br />Or did the Dude turn chicken?<br />And did Mac faithful cry?<br /><br />No; such was not the fate of<br />Fake Steven Pauly Jobs;<br />Though sad hearts round him thickened,<br />'Twas not from sickness' shots.<br /><br />No whooping-cough did rack his frame,<br />Nor measles drear, with spots;<br />Not these impaired the sacred name<br />Of Fake Steven Pauly Jobs.<br /><br />Despised love struck not with woe<br />That head of curly knots,<br />Nor stomach troubles laid him low,<br />Fake Steven Pauly Jobs.<br /><br />O no. Then list with tearful eye,<br />Whilst I his fate do tell.<br />His blog did from this cold world fly,<br />When book sales they did smell.<br /><br />They got him out and emptied him;<br />Alas it was too late;<br />Fake spirit gone to sport aloft<br />In the realms of the good and great. </span>Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-20520726073982065002008-07-17T19:45:00.000-07:002008-07-17T20:05:50.233-07:00Back in the Saddle<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi56oVwjDg3TDlroPSEzDJ_XWsQ5ea_sVe_H8icHzkhlQGHlKJTfpPzx9QkP6wDhBaAkc7w6998H7Y4tw8-AED1dIqgOhJ7sa2UCS5afT7VlSwIE9tkT0XnOhcP6HAWogsH2UF5ReBr11I/s1600-h/headshot.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi56oVwjDg3TDlroPSEzDJ_XWsQ5ea_sVe_H8icHzkhlQGHlKJTfpPzx9QkP6wDhBaAkc7w6998H7Y4tw8-AED1dIqgOhJ7sa2UCS5afT7VlSwIE9tkT0XnOhcP6HAWogsH2UF5ReBr11I/s200/headshot.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5224184921162711922" /></a><br />I am happy to announce that I'm back at the blogger desk and ready to keep you up to date here with my uncensored thoughts. With business tanking like it is, the constant eternal sunshine that I have to put out on my corporate blog is giving me migraines. <br /><br />But before I start dishing the dirt, I guess I should explain why I went away for so long. The long and short of it is that I was just plain afraid of getting <span style="font-style:italic;">fired</span>.<br /><br />The board was putting the hints out, you know? Little shit like, "Oh Jonathan, we don't care what you do with the stock moniker or that your reverse split business, but Christ, what is the fucking <span style="font-style:italic;">deal</span> with that secret diary shit?"<br /><br />OK, so I caved. So sue me.<br /><br />Thing is, I had a revelation this 4th of July. Sun stock was tanking so rapidly I thought it was going to go back to the price we had before the reverse split. I even polished up my resume thinking the board was going to shitcan me for sure.<br /><br />But it didn't happen. Fact is, these dumbfucks think I'm the only thing that can save the company from this dogshit economy. <br /><br />The mind boggles. Then again, even <span style="font-style:italic;">George Bush</span> got a second term.Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-62068431524285994502007-11-20T20:12:00.000-08:002007-11-20T20:29:44.447-08:00Ponytail of the Week: John Belushi<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpR1PVAuwtSgyX-YtXAvh1uSQ53safwRL6nD1FsDzqYd59KoF2JcHPOxKeQY5T4288XZduZIsPe0rhMeN4WR7L8t2-G_3UFVQWepnTpezLhJDJHJTfTFG3R5vYZj2OoZy2yRBMlUazpz8/s1600-h/samurai.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpR1PVAuwtSgyX-YtXAvh1uSQ53safwRL6nD1FsDzqYd59KoF2JcHPOxKeQY5T4288XZduZIsPe0rhMeN4WR7L8t2-G_3UFVQWepnTpezLhJDJHJTfTFG3R5vYZj2OoZy2yRBMlUazpz8/s200/samurai.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5135143665262060674" /></a>The ponytail of the week goes out posthumously to John Belushi, star of the Samurai skits on Saturday Night Live.<br /><br />I remember watching these samurai skits as a kid and thinking that this is the way of leadership-- you brandish your sword, mumble a lot, and everybody knows exactly what you mean.<br /><br />For my Halloween staff meeting this year I dressed like Belushi and did the whole Samurai bit while my directs did their status reports. I even cut a pumpkin in half while Anil Gadre was doing his marketing update. Poor bastard nearly shit a brick, but we all had a good laugh.Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-39095211171612662842007-11-08T20:14:00.000-08:002007-11-08T20:23:06.757-08:00Off the charts<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiX7nWDUtu6mHrSmrXVFNHUBqupR5-eG9U1CbTlr3OCLZHhsYpPvDcM16dl8DSkwqjkOzBE7KX3S7Y3KsjowvrTtt9jdfFa9NBXRTfLPijCTPyMKMFHJoC2VMgeZwna5I6K-aEFmdNzVH8/s1600-h/chart.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiX7nWDUtu6mHrSmrXVFNHUBqupR5-eG9U1CbTlr3OCLZHhsYpPvDcM16dl8DSkwqjkOzBE7KX3S7Y3KsjowvrTtt9jdfFa9NBXRTfLPijCTPyMKMFHJoC2VMgeZwna5I6K-aEFmdNzVH8/s200/chart.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5130691265416184322" /></a>Well, I did it again--Sun just reported another profitable quarter. All the numbers are up, up, up and now it's time to shake things up.<br /><br />We're splitting our stock 4:1. In this way I will effectively raise our stock price to around $25 per share, something no mortal thought possible just a short time ago.<br /><br />I'm telling you, we're on a <span style="font-style:italic;">roll</span> here, people! I was so excited today that I dropped my prototype google phone in the urinal. <br /><br />I looked at the thing for a second, and decided to just leave it there. If it shows up on eBay, whatever you do, don't buy the friggin thing.Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-76689626925265101492007-11-02T20:12:00.001-07:002007-11-02T20:44:02.954-07:00Breaking bread<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.vinissimus.com/images/vinos/vmein06_det_1.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.vinissimus.com/images/vinos/vmein06_det_1.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>Steve Ballmer came over for dinner the other night. He read about my razor clams and offered to bring over some mighty fine Viña Mein wine made in southern Galicia. There was only one condition; he didn't want to talk business.<br /><br />He showed up in his Humvee alone, unarmed, and in dull blue shirt. He shook my hand with his clammy paw and grinned like the Chesire Cat. Pretty much what you'd expect.<br /><br />Ah, but the clams! The acid of the wine worked as a perfect counterpoint to their briny flavor. Ballmer asked if I had a hamburger bun to put them on. I did, and I'm only sorry that I didn't catch the subsequent feeding on tape. <br /><br />"You know, Jonathan," he said with his mouth full. "You've got class. That's why I wanted to come over here and let bygones be bygones."<br /><br />I told him that I was glad to have him. After all, our companies work together on a whole slew of technologies.<br /><br />"So how much for the kernel?" he asked.<br /><br />"The what?"<br /><br />"The kernel. The <span style="font-style:italic;">Solaris</span> kernel. We want to bag the whole NT hairball and move the install base over in the next five years."<br /><br />"Dude, are you feeling allright?" I asked. His face was breaking out in purple hives.<br /><br />"No, seriously," he said, biting off another chunk of his clamburger. "We want it. We want to license it. We gave everyone on the board Vista machines as a gift last month and now that they've tried it, they want me out of there. I have to pull a rabbit out of my friggin hat!"<br /><br />His apparent shellfish allergy then proceeded to choke off his windpipe. The paramedics showed up just as he was starting to blow bubbles.<br /><br />As for the deal, I can't say what happens next. He scrawled something on my hardward floor as he was laying there and whatever figure it is doesn't have enough zeros.Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-50563373484168729942007-11-01T21:01:00.000-07:002007-11-01T21:21:11.649-07:00Cooking up a storm<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.stellman-greene.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/a-clear-need.png"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.stellman-greene.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/a-clear-need.png" border="0" alt="" /></a>I made the most amazing razor clams the other night. The neighbors just couldn't stop raving about them. The secret is the breading, but I'm not going to give that up here.<br /><br />I find cooking to be an excellent proving ground for corporate management. And there's nothing like throwing in unexpected ingredients. <br /><br />That's why I've decided that the time has come to get Sun into consumer products, products that will set new standards for technical leadership and eco-friendliness.<br /><br />Yes, that's right; Sun is coming to your kitchen.<br /><br />We learned a lot from our Niagara processors that consume less energy than anything else out there. That was a good message, but these products will do that one better.<br /><br />In fact, our new products will not only <span style="font-style:italic;">save</span> electricity, they will actually <span style="font-style:italic;">generate</span> electricity! <br /><br />I can't say any more right now. Our attorneys are all worried that those frigtards at Net App will sue us for getting into the appliance business.Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-558621999057490582007-10-28T19:48:00.000-07:002007-11-02T19:39:10.002-07:00Re-Flex<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.ecologicalmail.org/images/Cubicle-Empty.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.ecologicalmail.org/images/Cubicle-Empty.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>Sun is really big on this flex officing thing that Scooter started years back. Half the company works from home and has no assigned office or cubicle. <br /><br />Financially, this policy makes great sense for the company. We spend less on offices and in theory we attract the best and the brightest with our progressive flexibility.<br /><br />But I have to admit that sometimes I walk around Menlo Chernobyl and wonder where the hell everybody went. There are hallways, courtyards, and cafes with no people. Old posters hang on the walls with corporate branding of the 90's. It's like somebody dropped a friggin neutron bomb and killed off the population.<br /><br />And yet I know that my people are working. They're just out there, making the company tick while I preside over this deserted camelot. <br /><br />So out of desperation, I've decided to declare a new tradition. Every day of the week will now be declared <span style="font-style:italic;">Bring your sorry ass into work day</span> for each of our individual business units. And if anybody gives me any shit, <span style="font-style:italic;">they'll</span> get Saturday!Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-5667186734736339692007-10-25T20:18:00.000-07:002007-10-26T11:11:14.972-07:00Step right up, Cowboy<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://thecreativeforum.com/photopost/data/507/3noose-med.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://thecreativeforum.com/photopost/data/507/3noose-med.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>So you all probably read that we're going to counter-sue the living shit out of NET APP. I really didn't want to go there, but that <a href="http://techconfidential.thedealblogs.com/2005/06/netapps_top_cowboy.php">Cowboy David Hitz</a> gave me no choice.<br /><br />I was all set to do what he wanted to end this hostility. As I told you on the <a href="http://blogs.sun.com/jonathan/entry/harvesting_from_a_troll">CB</a>, he wanted us to make ZFS un-free and promise to use it only on computers and not storage devices. Honestly, I could have lived with that.<br /><br />But you should have seen his <span style="font-style:italic;">other</span> demands:<br /><br />* Cut off my ponytail and wear my hair like <a href="http://www.sun.com/aboutsun/media/ceo/bio.jsp?name=John%20Fowler">John Fowler</a>.<br /><br />* Change the name <span style="font-style:italic;">ZFS</span> to <span style="font-style:italic;">DUFUS</span>.<br /><br />* Sell our StorageTek division to SCO.<br /><br />* Pick up and polish Hitz' cowboy boots every Friday morning in my limo.<br /><br />I'll tell you, these lawsuits tend to go on for years. Net App customers will bail in droves as this drags on and their market share will shrink to the point where their board will have to step in and send Festus out to pasture.<br /><br />Sad, I know. But this cowboy's story is going to take him to the end of his friggin rope. And if there's one thing them judges can't stand, it's the smell of horseshit in the courtroom.Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-78724836305176018152007-10-23T20:16:00.000-07:002007-10-23T20:50:22.104-07:00Ponytail of the Week: Ted Waitt<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.brokennewz.com/images/gateway.gif"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.brokennewz.com/images/gateway.gif" border="0" alt="" /></a>This PTOTW goes to Gateway's Ted Waitt, the man who blazed the trail for me in the ranks of ponytailed CEOs. As the face of Gateway, Ted made it ok for Mom and Pop to buy PCs because suddenly they "had a friend in the business."<br /><br />I remember my first Gateway PC. It was this enormous tower system with a tv card. While the thing was loud as hell, it drove my big-screen Gateway CRT TV so I could watch the Food Channel and take notes on-screen at the same time. Thanks to Microsoft Windows ME, I think I got about a week's use out of the friggin thing.<br /><br />So, here's to you, Ted. The ponytail hall of fame would be nothing without you.Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-90207869923144946772007-10-20T20:08:00.000-07:002007-10-26T11:12:38.733-07:00ME to SE<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://conservativehome.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/chancey_gardner.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://conservativehome.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/chancey_gardner.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>So the <a href="http://news.google.com/news/url?sa=t&ct=us/1-0&fp=471b14ea537962fd&ei=us4bR9jUH4qUrgPPtOntDw&url=http%3A//www.news.com/8301-13580_3-9800679-39.html&cid=1122328362">news</a> slipped this week that we are going to let Java Mobile Edition wither and push the full Java Standard Edition down to mobile devices. There are a lot of technical and business reasons for doing this, and frankly it's just not a big deal.<br /><br />But over the weekend, I got a call from Analyst Relations that <a href="http://blogs.zdnet.com/Gardner/?p=2561">Dana Garner</a> was ringing alarm bells on this story. I clicked on the link and was shocked at what I saw there. <br /><br />My God! Dana Gardner is a friggin <span style="font-style:italic;">man</span>!<br /><br />All these years I've been trading flirty emails with this person thinking he was a woman. Crikey! I lost my lunch right there at the kitchen table.Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-22173837434541637912007-10-19T20:26:00.000-07:002007-10-20T15:22:28.252-07:00Time tunnel<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.cnet.com.au/i/g/240091741/sc002.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.cnet.com.au/i/g/240091741/sc002.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>My neighbor works at Apple, so the other day I snuck over there to take a look at the new Leopard OS running on his iMac. He showed me the nifty features and we both agreed that this stuff is just light years of anything else right now.<br /><br />One particular feature has me worried though--it's their backup utility called Time Machine. With one click, you can go back in time and recover any file or document in its various states of revision. The problem? I'm thinking this is going to be a real a pain in the ass for us CEOs.<br /><br />Imagine that everything is recorded and easily searchable. So today if I pull a "we still expect to be trading at 30X revenue" kind of remark out of my ass, now the analysts will be able to call bullshit before I even finish the sentence. <br /><br />So I don't think the business world is ready for Time Machine. It's bad enough that my wife remembers every friggin word I've ever said.Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-15180978773353505582007-10-18T20:11:00.000-07:002007-10-18T20:42:46.903-07:00Ponytail of the Week: Morimoto<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.culinaryrandd.com/images/photo_chef.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.culinaryrandd.com/images/photo_chef.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>I've decided that this blog needs some weekly features to keep it more grounded than the diatribes on my corporate blog. It's rather chaotic will all those friggin Sun serfs writing to me every day with: "Jonathan, you've got to blog about <span style="font-style:italic;">this</span> and <span style="font-style:italic;">that</span>, blah blah blah."<br /><br />So here goes; our first regular feature is going to be the <span style="font-style:italic;">Ponytail of the Week</span>.<br /><br />As you know, I have a passion for cooking. So it should be no surprise that my first ponytail hero is the Iron Chef himself, <a href="http://www.chefmorimoto.com/">Masaharu Morimoto</a>. If you've ever seen this guy on TV, you know he chops with the determination of a Samurai. <br /><br />Truly, this is the kind of guy us CEOs want on staff when it's time to do RIFFs. They don't need a recipe or a plan, it's just straight to CHOP! SALT! CHOP! STIR and then friggin CHOP!Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-78286154836924225752007-10-16T20:28:00.000-07:002007-10-16T21:08:18.593-07:00How green is my limo?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.premierlimo.info/Green-Limo.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.premierlimo.info/Green-Limo.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>You know, when you're CEO of one of the Greenest companies in America, people tend to watch and see if you walk the talk. That's why I'm especially proud of my new Green Limo (GL).<br /><br />I've always been concerned about the environment. Not so long ago I even rode the Sun shuttle to work every day with the serfs. In fact, I hear they've since converted the thing to organic biodiesel.<br /><br />But the GL is really something special. As the world's first hybrid plug-in limo, it's effectively carbon emission neutral. In fact, whenever I'm on 101, there's 2.5 less SUVs able to fit on the road. <br /><br />Looking forward, I think I've sold Google on getting one of these babies for <span style="font-style:italic;">every</span> one of their employees. If that works out, I'm thinking we could just about eliminate traffic <span style="font-style:italic;">and</span> pollution in the entire Bay area!Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246435356736123537.post-63541963364538787902007-10-14T20:21:00.000-07:002007-10-14T20:51:51.527-07:00Phone home<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihWJIVPku2Nx3rl9GY4tFyYAnWcZypLbX_YjMWGmDrXQsqJlmNCbzW-jEoHnkYQzTjCQRdw99na0tgDYp30XCN2JNISrsgQruwHIXOThTw7Eo02YqK7-Eih4rPaXeNmnOm3tkpSU1EgyQ/s1600-h/javafx_phone_1_270x386.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihWJIVPku2Nx3rl9GY4tFyYAnWcZypLbX_YjMWGmDrXQsqJlmNCbzW-jEoHnkYQzTjCQRdw99na0tgDYp30XCN2JNISrsgQruwHIXOThTw7Eo02YqK7-Eih4rPaXeNmnOm3tkpSU1EgyQ/s200/javafx_phone_1_270x386.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5121403995955614754" /></a>So I guess I need to do some damage control on this <a href="http://crave.cnet.com/8301-1_105-9795443-1.html">Java phone</a> story. I told Scooter to keep it under his hat, and now it's all over the papers.<br /><br />Truth is, folks, we had to scrap our jPhone plans. We had the whole cheaper-better than the iPhone thing all figured out and then Jobso caught wind of it and cut his prices. So it turns out the thing was not going to be <span style="font-style:italic;">cheaper</span> or <span style="font-style:italic;">better</span>, just <span style="font-style:italic;">open</span>er.<br /><br />So we're going to hang back in the weeds on this one and let Apple beat the crap out of everybody else. They're trying to solve the wrong problem anyway; what the world <span style="font-style:italic;">really</span> needs is a cell carrier that doesn't suck.Fake Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07921955654274309972noreply@blogger.com0