FakeJonathan Twitter Updates

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Crush, Kill, Destroy!

This week we launched our full frontal attack on that cowboy David Hitz and his litigious frigtard company with Amber Road.

The marketing folks came to me with all kinds of proposed value propositions for Amber Road. But being the big thinker I am, I rejected all of them and scrawled this down on a Peet's napkin:

Got NetApp? Sun storage appliances make their shit obsolete.

We have the advantage here. It's not time to be nice.

Heads up, Hombre Hitz, there's a stampede a 'comin! You been milking your customers like cattle for far too long and now they's a gonna trample your sorry ass on the way to Sunnyville.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

My Staff is No Longer "Preclear"

Someone sent me this MP3 recording of Mike Daisy telling the supposed truth about L. Ron Hubbard and Scientology. I have to tell you this is all bunk!

My recent disclosure about my being a Scientologist has rippled throughout the company and beyond. After the word was out, many of my staff came seeking counsel. How can we learn more, Jonathan?

So I brought in an audit team to my fortified wing in Santa Clara. I knew there would be some heavy personal disclosures coming out of this, so security was tight with Blackwater guards, mandatory strip searches, and doors enhanced with soundproof materials.

My audit team took great notes, and man, you would not believe the Mommie Dearest type trauma shit someone like Anil has crawling around in his darkest Id places. Absolutely mortifying.

But now, the team is unified in a common path of personal discovery, FreeTard Economics, and corporate retransformation.

Look out Wall Street! We are one with the path as laid out before us by Scientology bigwig Emperor Klaaktu. It worked wonders for him on Rigel VII after the Economic Collapse of the Third Age and the subsequent purging of War-Mongering Republitoids to the Red Planet of Schtuuupthidium.

We will not let the petty Earthbound laws of economics stand in our way any longer!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Video: Ponytail Goes Open Source

In this video, Steve Gillmor interviews another fake Jonathan Schwartz. Favorite quote: "I don't see Ballmer open sourcing a ponytail."

This is understandable, as Ballmer is too busy Open Clouding at the moment.
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