FakeJonathan Twitter Updates

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Damaging my calm

My life is like a trippy David Lynch movie these days. Rehearsals for my upcoming stint at the Bay Area Gated Community Poetry Group keep getting interrupted by all these RIFs I have to deal with. Did you ever even try reading a list of 7000 names, let alone rationalizing one? It friggin blows.

Yeah, sure. I shouldn't bitch because I get to keep my job. And I'll be the first to admit that things haven't gone so well under my reign. Now these new Board guys have been crawling up my ass like you wouldn't believe.

Here's the thrashing I had to sit through the other day from these frigtards. Pissed me off no end because it made me late for my Pilates class.

"Jonathan, shut up for once in your life and let's do the numbers:

Shareholder value? Billions gone. Poof! Scooter has lost so much that he's taken up Copenhagen chewing tobacco. You thought he was a prick before this shit? Now he spits chaw all over the ice at his hockey games and gets in a weekly fist fight with one of the opposing chiptards. He's the only guy we've ever seen walking around the EBC with a chew cup. And he has this annoying habit of spitting right after he says the word "Jonathan."

Job creation. We don't buy this shit that this negative index number is simply reflective of the economy. Ten thousand families are on the street due to your complete failure, Jonathan. You think they give a rat's ass about your freetard rationalizations?


Financial performance.
Don't tell us that Wall Street just doesn't get it right now. Did you ever even hear of Goodwill Impairment before we came along. I didn't think so.


Now, some of you look at this and are calling for me to step down. Not so fast. I've got the following speech memorized from my buddy, Illinois Governor Blagojevich:

"I’ve got this thing, and it’s fucking golden. And I’m just not giving it up for fucking nothing. I’m not going to do it. And I can always use it. I can parachute me there."

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

So, you want to negotiate a golden parachute do you? As a Sun employee, I would support any form of obscene severance package the BOD authorized to get you the hell out of your job. No amount of money is too large.

Anonymous said...

Can we just open-source our CEO and executive staff? I'm sure we can find a solid community of open-source executives eager for the challenge.

Anonymous said...

Or maybe we can virtualize Mark Hurd or Lou Gerstner and implement some threaded cycles of their business acumen over here at Sun. Any addition, even virtualized threaded cycles, would be an improvement.

Fake Scott said...

You can get Scooter back, to stop the RIFs (the only one to RIF is the pony-tailed guy that is making me loose millions and Sun its brilliant engineers!!!). Jonathan, no hard feelings, you could still be part of the BOD, as long as you don't say anything.

Anonymous said...

Sorry Scooter...don't want you back either. You drove the company to unprofitability for close to five years, and your hand-picked successor is finishing up the job of driving the company into the dirt.

KKR and SEMA need to cut Jonathan loose in deep space, make you non-executive Chairman Emeritus, then find an new CEO with some common business sense (thought they taught you that kind of thing at Stanford business school...guess not. Note to self: Take Stanford off of my son's target university list.).

And, no, I won't leave my employee number. But thanks for thinking about it.

Steve Ballmer said...

Maybe I'll hire you, we need a new campus sanitation foreman!

Fake Scott said...

You should add a way to include comments over your Twitts.
By the way, I have the remaining part of the message you received from Lord Xenu: you have to stay at the Etna until its next eruption to get the whole message deciphered. And not at the base, at the top of the mountain (inside the crater would be appropriate).
See you on Monday at the office or are you flying directly to the Etna?

Steve Ballmer said...

You are a funny guy!
(... and I don't mean that in the classical sense)

Fake Scott said...

Say NOO to IBM!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Fuck IBM, lets buy all the stocks back and privatize the company. That stupid Wall Street is ruling the company for years, as well as that South whatever who bought so many Sun stocks, for sure they are all behind this to make a fast buck.

I feel ashamed being an engineer working for Sun, i was always proud to work for this company, but if they really just throw us away like that.. i think it time to infect all the firmware of the servers with a deathly virus.

And what a choice IBM for God sake , the most old fashioned company in the world, i just was reading a article that the also stopped paying out your internet connection when you work from home.

I give a big golden bonus to anyone who is gonna try to cut of the tail of Jonathan

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property said...

Take it easy,calm down ,and you will find that the world is still very beautiful to live.

Anonymous said...

I miss you Pony-tail! My weeks have not been complete without watching you slowly self inflate on your Five-minutes Fridays. Please, come back so I can see if you'll qualify for Biggest Loser!!!

 
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