You read the papers--things are really friggin tight in this economy. Want a business loan? Fat chance. There's no loan to be had at any interest rate. And, as I've learned the hard way, RIFFing people actually costs you money while crippling your ability to do business. Who knew?
That's why today I'm announcing the JAVA Bank. Despite my best efforts, we've had $6 Billion laying around here since I took over. And no matter what I do, I just can't seem to turn it into enough profit that would interest you enough to speculate on our dogshit stock.
Yes, we are loaning money, and at rates that will curl your hair. Need a loan to carry you through payroll and pay off suppliers until gravy accounts cough up? We're the guys for you.
And there will be no foreclosures. You will pay or we will kill you.
Nice, huh? Don't know why I didn't come up with this earlier. Come to think of it, maybe I should also charge your relatives a dollar per hour just to keep your miserable ass alive.
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