JAVA Bank: You've Got a Friend in the Business

You read the papers--things are really friggin tight in this economy. Want a business loan? Fat chance. There's no loan to be had at any interest rate. And, as I've learned the hard way, RIFFing people actually costs you money while crippling your ability to do business. Who knew?

That's why today I'm announcing the JAVA Bank. Despite my best efforts, we've had $6 Billion laying around here since I took over. And no matter what I do, I just can't seem to turn it into enough profit that would interest you enough to speculate on our dogshit stock.

Yes, we are loaning money, and at rates that will curl your hair. Need a loan to carry you through payroll and pay off suppliers until gravy accounts cough up? We're the guys for you.

And there will be no foreclosures. You will pay or we will kill you.

Nice, huh? Don't know why I didn't come up with this earlier. Come to think of it, maybe I should also charge your relatives a dollar per hour just to keep your miserable ass alive.

Kramer: My guys are flowing, Jerry!

As I sit and watch the Jerry Seinfeld & Bill Gates ads about nothing, I stir in my seat and marvel at their effectiveness. I mean, it was so obvious--the best way to dispel the incredible perception of mediocrity that is Vista is to not talk about Vista at all.

Which brings me to today's topic. We are busy negotiating with Michael (Cosmo Kramer) Richards to do a Sun-is-not-that-bad campaign.

Why Kramer? George's proposal left us a little flat and that bitch Elaine wouldn't even return my calls. Like her career is doing so good? Yeah right.

You can look forward to these ads soon in this space. Well, at least the puppet storyboards anyway.

Freedonia Meets Scientology

My recent foray into live Twitter posting has been a revelation--Just like my company preaches, here on the Net I can be truly Free, Open, and engaged in the Participation Age without censorship.

Information wants to be free. So does my Real Story.

In that spirit, I feel liberated enough to tell you, my dear readers, what has perhaps been the biggest secret in the history of the Fortune 500...

I am a Scientologist.

Now, this might sound a bit crazy, but hang on a sec and let me explain myself. It all started back in school at Wesleyan University. My girlfriend at the time was really into the shit, and well, she was smoking hot so I kept an open mind, if you know what I mean.

Oddly enough, she liked me to read the L. Ron Hubbard stuff to her in bed. In fact, it made her really horny. (By the way, this will work on normal women if you read Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil to them.)

So I went along, and after a time, it all started to make sense to me. And after we went our separate ways, I dabbled with some Auditing and wound up as a regular church-goer.

And there you go. The Truth is out now and I promise to tell you more about my beliefs in future posts. It is the will of Scientology bigwig Emperor Klaaktu of Rigel VII.

So the next time you hear me talk about contrarian theories of Techno-Freebased Economics, perhaps you'll understand where I'm coming from just a little bit better.

Down but not out

So, the Corporate Blog (COB) has been pretty sparse lately, to the point where some of you are speculating about my remaining tenure at Sun.

Well, I am happy to report that my lack of postings has nothing to do with my being in deep doo-doo with the board or anything. Actually, it has to do with my health.

You know that unnamed health condition that Steve Jobs has that made him look like Leonard Nimoy on stage? Yeah, I have the same shit.

But at least my hair isn't falling out.

And I'm not looking for your sympathy. My shaman healer says the negative energies will all clear up as soon as we get a Democrat in the White House.

I know it's a horse race at this point, but please think about me when you go to the voting booth, ok?