Straight friggin up!

I'm going to take some time off from this blog and climb El Capitan. The weekend is just going to be me vs. 3000 ft of vertical adreneline, baby!

I'm brining a Cantenna, but there's a chance I'll be cut off from the blogosphere. Have a great weekend!

Big Blue is Harshing my Vibe

Today I was going to write about the Participation Age and the Net Effect of having billions of interconnected devices on our Global Infotech-econosphere, but something even more fascinating hit my radar.

Instead, I want to talk about drugs, specifically, the ones that the IBM marketing people must be taking.

I went to IBM.com today just to sniff around. They've agreed to resell Solaris, so I wanted to see what kind of two-faced propaganda they really had out there.

And suddenly, I found myself in a strange world full of bipolar emotions. It started with laughter when I read one of their headlines:

"Out with cables
In with blades"

Ouch! Hey Palmisano, mind if I send that line to Scooter for one of his top ten lists? And is impaling a feature or a benefit?

So I felt compelled to read more and I wound up on this flash site where you can roll this giant ball of wire around a datacenter while you listen to music from David Lynch's Eraserhead. It was unnerving as hell.

So I got out of there by clicking on Success Stories and it says, "ST. JUDE FIGHTS CANCER WITH BLADES" which is only fair, since St. Jude got killed with a friggin axe.

But wait, it gets weirder. When I clicked on Unipart Logistics, it said, "UNIPART LOGISTICS SUPPLIES DEMAND WITH BLADECENTER." My god! The laws of economics do not even apply in this hellish universe IBM has created!

So, let's go back to the topic of drugs since this experience has really harshed my vibe:

It's time for IBM to put out a service bulletin about not taking the brown acid.

You've lost a friend in the business

Today marks a sad day in the annuls of the American computer industry; Gateway Computer has sold itself to the Taiwanese at Acer.

I've always been a fan of Gateway, and it's not just because their former CEO Ted Waitt had a ponytail. No, with their cowskin logo and Midwest values, Gateway was a consummate success story of Americans making computers for Americans.

Companies like Gateway are national treasures. Think about it--the EU has never even had something like this to lose. Sure, they can crank out cars, jets, and cell phones, but they're computing resume is technologically bankrupt. And don't throw Bull/Siemens at me. That's just friggin gross.

I'd like to blame Dell or even Microsoft, but ever since IBM bailed and sold their PC business to the Chinese, the PC business in this country has been one big downward spiral of international mediocrity.

In the likelihood that those class acts Mark Hurd and Michael Dell barely burped at today's news, I'd like to propose a toast on behalf of the American Computer Industry:

"To Gateway. They may have fallen, but they will never be forgotten."

Christmas in August

I am so glad that August is nearly over! Since there's typically an end-of-summer drought of hi-tech news, we always turn up the PR to get the ink while we can.

I mean, look at what we announced this month: sustained profitability, a bunch of eco-innovations, the world's fastest commodity processor, and even a stock ticker change.

And the best news we could hope for comes from the Ballmer's Bowery Boys up in Redmond. Their Genuine Disadvantage Servers have been taking a dump for the last three or four days now. And wow, it turns out their dipshit architecture was a disaster waiting to happen!

So we're going to take it easy for a while with the announcements. That way, when Sun news is all over the wires, maybe even the frigtards with Vista will be able to read about it.

My comic

Preconditions

I got this great new conditioner today. It's like totally cheap, too.

My colorist recommended the stuff, though I didn't like the name at first. "HI PRO PAC" sounds like something HP would slap a "Q" on the end and put on the shelves at Best Buy. You know, that way the customer has a real choice between the COMPAQ PC on the one side and the HP box on the other:

"Look honey, this one has gray plastic on the front."

And it strikes me that Windows boxes are retailed a lot like shampoo. No matter what store you go to, it's the same shit on the shelves.

Another man's folly

I've been getting a lot of flack for the JAVA stock ticker thing. I knew some people wouldn't like the idea, but I had no idea what a violently polarizing issue this would become.

So here's the deal; we are going to continue doing new things at Sun, things that no one has ever thought to do before. This will be our Modus operandi. Some of it might even strike you as pointless and stupid.

But even Fake Steve, who slammed the stock ticker change at first, has warmed up to the idea in the space of a day. Yeah, sure, the stock went up, but just maybe he looked up on his office wall and saw one of those Think Different posters.

So, please just get over it, people! This is not a Democracy--this is Hugo Chavez setting the clock ahead by 30 minutes and just about as relevant to your daily life.

Dr. Java

As you have probably read in the papers by now, I am retiring our corpoarte stock ticker SUNW and replacing it with JAVA. Not only is this a big change in the naming sense, it heralds a new paradign in the stock market itself. More about that later.

I wanted to do this name change back in April, but the board just laughed at me. Well, Scooter did anyway.

"No way," they said. "Deliver on that profitable fiscal year you promised, and then you can call the friggin stock whatever you want."

So I got my way. Everybody knows about Java and now everyone will know about our stock, too. But that's not the best part.

The game-changer of this move is that we're open sourcing the stock as well! That's right. Anyone will be able to use, distribute, and alter JAVA stock in way they choose.

With Open Source stock, slashdot hordes will rise up on Wall Street, pressuring other corporations to trade under the GPL. At the same time, the freetards will be infected with the capitalistic notion that Greed is Good.

And when Linux gets the blame for causing economic chaos, we'll be there, pinky finger to mouth, with millions, no billions of Solaris downloads! Bah wa ha ha ha!!!!

Boring is Good For HP?

Sometimes this industry just bums me out. I don't know what it is--business has been improving at Sun. Server market share, profitability, gross margin--it's all up, up, up.

As CEOs go, I think I am pretty upbeat, the kind of guy you'd invite to a barebque, even. This is no accident; I try to make sure that all my press pics show me smiling.

But this week, it was the news that pissed me off. I was all set to read the story about how boring HP is, but when I get there, it turns out that the reporter thinks it is a good thing for their bottom line.

And I'm like, wait a minute, since when does this country embrace boring? What kind of people are these IT buyers that think HP is the way to go? What books do they read? What color are their cars?

The answers are all around you. In fact, they were at the last barbeque you went to. But if you're like me, you never even tried to remember their names.

Not easy being green

Today we launched our Eco Innovation Eco Initiative offering, more familiarly known as EI EI O. Starting now, Sun will show you how to save tons of energy in your datacenter and lower your utility bills. Even the Republicans love this stuff because it's all about maximizing your profits while, umm, err, saving the planet or whatever.

I'd like to tell you that it feels really good to be part of this. Thing is, they didn't invite me.

They must not have even checked my calendar, because I was like totally clear of appointments all morning.

My initial queries into this have been unsatisfying. "Oh, you know, we save the big launches for you, Jonathan."

Yeah, right. I know the real reason; if there's one thing those tree-huggers hate, it's a speech on economics.

Dodging the $3000 iPhone Data Bill

Talk about a rude awakening, here's a story about a fellow who got socked with $3000 in roaming charges while using his iPhone abroad. Sadly, this kind of thing could have been avoided.

Months before the iPhone came out, I met with Steve Jobs (I think it was the real one, anyway) and tried to persuade him to put Java in the thing.

"Who uses that Java stuff, anyway?" he asked.

"Well, Google, eBay, DoCoMo for starters. Perhaps you've heard of them?"

He frowned, so I went on to tell him that Java is on like three billion devices at last count.

Then he said something like "sue me" but it seemed really out of context. Whatever he meant, I got the drift that we weren't cutting a deal.

But back to this roaming bill thing, I don't know for sure if Java could have helped, but now that they've cracked the iPhone with jailbreak, AT&T bills like this could make Siooma the next killer app.

Red Shift on Red Bull

The press has really been picking up on our Red Shift theory, and I have to say it's about time. Every company should have theory, I think.

In the case of Red Shift, the theory is that people are going to need exponentially more compute cycles to deliver Web 2.0 stuff in the future. Or something like that.

Now you can argue that Greg Papadopoulos is kind of making a leap here. But I had my staff dig up some examples that provide undeniable proof that this shit is going down:

* Twitter, a "global community of friends and strangers answering one simple question: What are you doing?" People thought George Orwell was way ahead of his time predicting a Big Brother government that watches your every move. Who'd have ever thought that people would be stupid enough to actually key in the information themselves? This was truly visionary.

* UsedGirlfriend.com "Your personal resource for managing your breakup! We provide several tools to help you get rid of your unwanted baggage and completely avoid that awkward conversation about why it's over." Here again is sheer brilliance. In our always-on, instant message communiverse, the old tried and true method of just-stop-calling-her-baggy-ass probably doesn't work like it did for me back in college.

* MyYearbook.com, which was started by a teenager: "It all started during Spring Break 2005, flipping through a yearbook in my room and realizing it sucked. This is 2005 - why the hell is anyone buying yearbooks anymore?" And unlike sites like Facebook, they use 20 fonts on the same page in order to repel horny old married guys.

So there you have it. Red Shift serves as a leading indicator of the IT needs of the future. Get on the clue train before the teenagers using this shit grow up and start running the planet.

Hasta la vista

Dear FSB,

As reported here, you and your bloated crew up in Redmond have been having a hell of a time getting businesses to switch to Vista. The new OS is described as a broken, bloated, resource-hogging, incompatible kluge.

My favorite quote comes from one of your former shills at PC Magazine:
"I could go on and on about the lack of drivers, the bizarre wake-up rituals, the strange and nonreproducible system quirks, and more. But I won't bore you with the details. The upshot is that even after nine months, Vista just ain't cutting it."

You know something's wrong when the Chinese won't even use their free copies of Vista for the upcoming Olympics because they claim it's too unstable. Sorry, FSB, even your butt-buddies at Dell have broken the kudzu and are selling Linux PCs.

Now, you're probably running around throwing chairs and stuff in an effort to manage your way out of this mess. But it seems to me that the way forward is to focus on a few new software design principles:

* "Different" is not necessarily "better." Whatever you do, make sure that whatever you schlep out there is actually better than what you had.

* Forget cool. If your customers wanted cool, they'd buy a mac. You have to realize that your customers expect your OS to look crappy. Slapping a new skin on the Registry with sound effects from Robert Fripp only scared the frigtards shitless.

I hope these thoughts help you find your way, FSB. I really do. And keep in mind that you could just do like us and focus on the kernel. Let the freetard Gnomies do the interface. These guys not only know what they're doing, they really care about this shit.

Best regards,

Fake Jonathan

Dude, you're getting an audit!

According to this story, Dell said it will restate its earnings for fiscal years 2003 through 2006 after an internal audit found that certain employees had changed corporate account balances to meet quarterly financial targets.

Ouch! Mikey, that must really hurt. You were like, kicking back on your private island drinking skunky Shiner Bock during part of that time, weren't you?

I'm just wondering, what is it about that shady accounting you hayseeds have down there in Texas? Is there like an Enron academy for this kind of shit?

Take my advice, Mr. Dell. You need to set an example or this is only going to happen again.

Firing is too good for these guys. Find all the ill-gotten booty they bought with their bonuses-- the cars, the boats, the boob jobs for their wives and mistresses, and put it all up on ebay.

And when you get the grand total, make their sorry Texan asses watch as you write out one big fat check to Hillary Clinton's campaign. It will just friggin kill 'em, I tell you!

Making Nice with Big Blue

Now that I've steered the company deep into Open Source waters, people are starting to notice that a kinder, gentler Sun has reared its head. We're no longer the sharp-toothed, wise-craking bunch of dot-com Sparc bigots that we used to be.

Sure, this transformation really began years ago when Microsoft gave us a couple Billion dollars to stop with the hostilities. Thus began a phased plan.

First thing we did was RIF Scooter's speech writer. I think he went to work for Karl Rove, though he's probably on the street again by now. Second, we gave all the Sunnies a big bonus and encouraged them to purge their aggressive tendencies by going on a retreat, cruise, trip to the Mustang Ranch, whatever. Better money was never spent.

It's this simple; if we want to be considered an Open Source company, we just have to be Mr. Nice Guy to everybody. I mean, look at Novell, they're promising not to sue anyone after the FrigTard SCO suit effectively gave them potential access to all kinds of license fees.

So today I'm shaking hands with my arch enemies at IBM. We'll get on TV and announce some software treaty or something that I haven't bothered to read yet. Then we'll sing Kum Ba Ya and break out a hookah maybe. Years of fierce teeth-nashing will be forgotten and all will be reconciled.

I feel better already. And if that dickhead Palmisano crosses me, I'll put a cap in his ass.

Neutral Theory

Natural Selection may have given us humans dominance over the planet, but I think it's run its course. Clearly, rampant population growth has friggin overwhelmed Nature's ability to weed out the Stupid. That means there's more idiots at work, on the roads, and in voting booths than ever before.

The result? The world as we know it continues to suck just a little more every year.

Clearly, it's time for technology companies to lend Nature a hand. Without better technology, the time will soon come when morons screw up your day, every day. For some of you, that day may already be here. You know who you are.

I henceforth call for a modest Technology Summit in the Bay Area. In this forum, there will be no competitors, just fellow warriors against ignorance. Let us lay down our swords and come together for the betterment of mankind.

There has to be a way to defeat this Global issue with engineering, dammit! Nature learns fast. And when she does, she's typically a bitch on overkill.

OK, perhaps I'm over-reacting because I had to deal with too many HR people today. There's a RIF going on and those hoods they wear really damage my calm.

Come to think of it, maybe we should all just sit down and watch Serenity on DVD and stop trying to make our own version of a "better world."

Five more thingys

Somebody tagged me again. This is the game where you tell five things about yourself and then tag some other bloggers to cough up some of their own dirt.

5. I lost a fortune on Transmeta stock. I was right in foreseeing the market would demand low-power chips, but timing is everything. A lot of good that FreeTard Linus did them.

4. You know that scene in Wild Hogs where they slap the bull on the ass and then run? I did that on the way home from the theater.

3. I wrote a science fiction story once about a guy who goes back in time to prevent the founding of Starbucks, only he winds up having to murder Herman Melville.

2. To produce my weekly corporate blog, I babble into Dragon Naturally Speaking for three or four hours and then pipe the file through Microsoft Word's AutoSummarize tool. Highly recommended.

1. After Scooter made a joke recently about my ponytail, I had his leg broken (just kidding). Anyways, I told them to make it look like an accident.

So those are my secrets. Fake Steve and Fake Ballmer, you're IT!

Finn Dinner

A while back on my corporate blog, I offered Linus Torvalds an olive branch. I invited him over for an informal dinner where I would cook and all he had to do was bring the wine.

This woo-fest all stemmed from a note Linus wrote to someone about how Linux had hurt Sun badly. Well, Duh!

Forget what I said to those Frigtard analysts about the real culprit being the companies that duped the Linux community into doing their dirty work. Like anything else I say on the corporate bully pulpit, that was all for effect.

But that's all the past. Even the SlashTards give us credit these days when we release a couple of billion lines of source. Bygones.

Linus must have agreed because he came back to me with a counter offer. Since his FreeTard employers at the Linux Foundation wouldn't pony up for a lousy plane ticket, Linus said that the dinner had to happen at his house in Beaverton, or no deal.

Long story short, I showed up with a nice white French Burgundy since he said he was going to be serving fish. But from the minute I walked in the door, I knew I was screwed.

That wily Finn served me stinking Lutefisk! Imagine my indignation as I had to sit there there chewing this wretched fish jello while smiling the whole time at his wife and three kids. I still have nightmares about his shit-ass grin.

So yeah, we shook hands on a deal after that. I can't tell you the details quite yet, but I do promise that the next employee who gives me any shit about open source will get RIFFED so fast he leaves his friggin balls behind!

Lost in translation

Last night I had this bizarre dream that I was on a desert island with all these other CEOs. Some of the details are fuzzy, but I remember that it dragged on and on like a Gartner session.

As it got dark, Bill Gates started a fire by rubbing sticks together, bragging the whole time about his Eagle Scout skills. So we gathered round to keep warm.

I suggested we do a skills inventory, share what we knew, and improve our collective chances for survival. I started out by offering my services as a cook. I told them the problem was there was no food.

Then Steve Ballmer went around asking everyone how much they weighed. I noticed he started with his kids.

We were at each other's throats and couldn't seem to agree on a course of action. Larry Ellison wanted to enslave the local penguins and build a sailboat, but Jeff Bezos insisted on building a rocket from hemp composites.

Suddenly, Ed Zander pulled out a Rokr phone and called for help. As he climbed up the rope ladder from his corporate helicopter, he flipped the bird at Steve Jobs and said something about payback being a bitch.

A tale of two launches

Tuesday was friggin huge in Silicon Valley. While I was busy announcing Niagra 2, the most powerful chip in the galaxy, FSJ had to steal my thunder by lifting the skirt up on his sexy little iMacs. And, predictably, the iTard got all the press.

Granted, his honeypot is actually on the shelf already, but us folks who sell to the Enterprise need to do a lot more ground work before we lay the pipe, OK?

Anyway, after a long day of launch socket-chip-core-thread-blah-blah, I snuck over to the neighbor's to watch the Apple event on their nifty Mac. I'd do this at the office, but Solaris still won't play quicktime (long story, blame Scooter).

Maybe it was the cheap wine, but man, for a while there, the famous Jobsian Reality Distortion Field was overwhelming my superior intellect. I really wanted one of these stupid things, even though I'd have to keep it next door.

And then he tripped up. Steve-O said that the new iMacs were made from two key elements: Aluminum and Silicon Dioxide, better known as Glass.

My neighbors were entranced. Not only did they accept that Silicon Dioxide is in the Periodic Table, they obviously believed he invented the shit.

So here's the deal with the ponytail

Click on Khan to see how I feel about this topic.

I get a lot of crap for having a ponytail. Bloggers, the press, even my own employees sometimes.

Thing is-- every day when I get up, I just know that I'm going to meet people who want me to change. That's very empowering.

Does anybody give a shit whether you'll ever change? Think about it. That's why you're not a CEO.

Let's be fair here. Steve Jobs wears the same friggin clothes every day. Do you give him crap? And for gosh sakes, somebody buy the guy a belt, will 'ya?

And when you macho Frigtards finish yukking it up on how I look, tug on your earring and remember that not long ago, rednecks considered that just plain gay.

So, yeah, I wear a ponytail. So did Khan Noonien Singh. It's something us folks with better DNA just friggin do.

Why should Fake Steve have all the fun?

You know, I've been reading Fake Steve for a while and I think it's really funny. And I can even forgive the iTard for calling me "My Little Pony." Bygones.

But I have to admit that I was a little disappointed when the NY Times blew Steve's cover. This is obviously part of some master plan to market Forbes magazine to young people who think Apple is cool. Good luck! Steve-O will never forgive Forbes for putting Gil Amelio on the cover, and neither should we.